WHAT age do you think a boy’s first exposure to porn is? 14? 16? Try, 11.
That’s one tiny year older than my eldest, Dr Who-loving-Lego-mad son. Say it isn’t so. But it is. And the consequences can be addictive, destructive and in many cases brain-altering.
So what can we do to avert our children’s attention from the unreality of porn?
Recently I was invited to speak about intimacy for an audience of 14-year-old boys at a selective high school. The occasion? Their annual Sex and Relationships Day; a revealing and honest event that explores sex beyond biology class.
Speakers included the ex-detective who talked about sexual assault, the GP who mythbusted masturbation, penile size and STDs and the expert on porn addiction who gave an affable talk on the dangers of pixelated pleasure seeking.
I was one of two female guests in the line-up. And although I was asked to deliver a workshop on pleasure from a woman’s perspective, I wondered what new insights could I possibly share with the porn-savvy students. But the teenagers’ innocence coupled with intelligent questions unfettered by shame, detonated my prejudices and possibly even shed new light on my chosen topic; the clitoris.
“Good morning gentlemen.” I began, as my audience fidgeted and played with their hair.
“Over the next few hours, your heads will be filled with talk of penises, vaginas, genital warts, wanking, blow jobs and other Justin Bieber hobbies.”
Sex ed is about so much more than putting condoms on cucumbers (or bananas) these days.Source:istock
The mention of JB with reference to BJs broke the ice. Still, a teacher sat nearby, keeping a close watch; a wise move since, within moments, the alpha boys began the chest beating …
“Miss, Miss! Ask Adam to draw you a penis — he does amazing penises.”
Uninvited, an anatomically correct member quickly came to life on A4. It was mildly confronting; maybe it was the smiley face on the head that threw me. But I was glad the penis reared its head. It set the tone for a lively, relaxed and uncensored discussion.
“What makes up a vulva?” I asked.
“Uh, the vagina…”
“There’s a urethra in there…”
“Isn’t Vulva a car brand?”
After agreeing that the components of a vulva could technically transport you but wasn’t strictly transport, I asked the boys to draw a vulva and use dot stickers to indicate where the clitoris, vagina and urethra are.
Alpha Adam grabbed his phone for a quick pic and the teacher pounced.
“No Snapchat!” he warned before he turned to me and said, “I don’t want it going viral.”
Nope. Nobody wants that.
The boys continued to draw and I fired off more questions.
“Look at your vulva. Can you see the ‘bald man in a boat’, or heaven’s doorbell?”
Blank faces, smirks. Even Alpha Adam was speechless. So I continued.
“They’re euphemisms for the clitoris — it’s an incredible part of a woman’s anatomy with 8000 nerve endings compared to the 4000 spread over your penis’ head. The clitoris is extremely sensitive…”
“Is it really so sensitive, Miss?”
“Really. And it’s often, mishandled too. We don’t play it like an air guitar. It’s about gentle touch. Or firm — depending on the woman.”
“…so we shouldn’t smash the clitoris.”
“Definitely not.”
“But Miss, if I’m on a one-night stand, can I ask her how she wants to be touched?”
Did these boys believe that touch is confined by time? Did they think intimacy was the proverbial wham, bam?
Thank you, porn for screwing with reality.
“Yes!” I replied, “You should absolutely ask her how she wants to be touched.”
The boy looked genuinely gobsmacked by my answer.
“But is there a science behind touching the clitoris, Miss?”
“If we shouldn’t play air guitar on it … how should we touch it?”
Desperate to match the boys’ earnest energy, I launched into an impromptu demo with my index finger raised in midair.
They were mesmerised. But I faltered.
“Guys, there really is no right way …” I said, dropping my hand. And 20 wide-eyed teens were crestfallen. But I couldn’t speak for the idiosyncrasies of the world’s entire clitoral population!
Thankfully, the talk quickly veered into length of orgasms followed by a debate initiated by the boys on whether sweet nothings were the same as dirty talk.
And then, “So, Miss, does a woman who is more emotionally connected to a man feel greater pleasure?”
Wow. Unexpected magic; and a question that filled me with hope because, contrary to popular preconception, our young men aren’t looking for the “sex ed” prescribed by porn stars. They seek a level of honesty, realism and heart that’s completely alien to adult films.
As the students filed out of the classroom, high-fiving me, one particularly quiet student held my gaze and whispered, “thanks”. Even Alpha Adam nodded his appreciation as he left. All boys, in fact, a credit to their school.
If I could name and praise this high school for the phenomenal work they’re doing in sex education, I would, in a heartbeat. Flying in the face of what’s “acceptable”, “safe” or classroom-appropriate for so-called impressionable minds, this school is an unapologetic beacon.
As for me, a mother of two boys already asking me questions like, “how long should you have sex” and “what do you feel like afterwards?” – this experience was beyond priceless.
I learnt that our country’s teenage boys will readily reject porn when the facts are freely shared by us, their parents, educators, mentors and friends.
We just need to set aside our prejudices and give these young men the truth they deserve about intimacy even if the blushed cheeks belong to us.
Writer and sex educator Phyllis Foundis.Source:Supplied
Phyllis Foundis is a TV host, writer, producer, TEDx talker and intimacy activist. This is an edited extract from her book, The Joy of Sags, available in September 2016. You can follow her on Twitter.
The sex talk teen boys need if we want to combat porn
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